WE DESERVE SUNSHINE EPISODE 1: the monster in my closet

My mother used to tell me about the monsters living among us, the beings that lurk within the shadows, devoid of the warmth of the sun—condemned by the church for straying from His ever so-righteous-path. She would always recount these stories in quick, hushed voices, uttering how she was scared that these vile creatures would strike her with no remorse and mercy if they heard her.

I was taught to stay away from them, to treat them with contempt, disgust, and hatred. Like the mere thought of touching them is regarded as sacrilegious—hands soaked in poison and stained with sin.

I wanted to go against what she believes, but I wasn't brave enough to do so. As if I lost the ability to raise my voice, I'm afraid that they'll turn on me and accuse me of being a wolf among a flock of sheep. I didn’t want them to recognize the oddity in my figure, to point their fingers at the peculiarity of my being. So I learned to sit in silence in the security and isolation of my closet, letting my cowardice swallow me whole.

But as I sought out to find these monsters, I figured that everything I’ve been told was merely fabricated lies crafted by humanity’s abhorrent hands. For someone described as vicious and grotesque, they emanate a gentle glow. That even while living among the darkness, their shadows shine with glitter.

They’ve shown me how they exist with kindness despite meeting the ruthlessness of the world, and above all, that they wield and possess a single, harmless thing—love.

It made me question the belief that was passed down to me for generations, buried and shoved deep into the roots of my heart. How can something so beautiful be considered a sin?

How can love be a sin?

In the midst of these glorious beings, I found a place for myself, like a spot was curated with care, particularly for me, so that I may prevail beyond bounds. Yet as I approached the familiar suffocating road back home, the remnants of my very being lay scattered on the pathway—every part was smashed and reduced into pieces of mere nothingness.

The people above me knew I was held and perceived by the monsters, their voices dripped with bitterness, while the blood flowing through their veins was laced with rancor.

They demanded that I repent, to ask for His forgiveness as I have touched what was deemed forbidden and unholy—so I should wash the rot off my hands before it was too late and consume me entirely, as if it was a disease begging to be cured by the hands of God.

The next morning, the skies were dim; I went back into hiding. I peer at the skin that clings to my flesh, attempting to rip it off as I curse the fates for bestowing me with this body and life.

I look at my reflection in the mirror; I truly have become the monster living among the shadows.

I wish I had never had to hide who I am. I wish the world could wait for me until I’m ready to step out in the sun.

I wish the monster in my closet knew they deserve sunshine.

Article: Denise Paulino

Illustration: Simon Emmanuel Sampani