Do you often blame yourself for the downfall of your relationships? Do you ever find yourself thinking that maybe you showed too much of yourself made them love you less? Or maybe you gave too little of yourself that they thought you were unready for a commitment?
I have a secret to tell you. The way you connect with others and build relationships is heavily influenced by your attachment style. Your attachment style isn’t just something you wake up with one day; it’s built over time, shaped by childhood experiences, past relationships, friendships, and even how you see yourself. But out of all these, one’s attachment style is deeply rooted in our past, particularly our childhood environment showed us love and affection.
Attached and Confused: Why Am I Like This?
There are four different attachment styles an individual can possess: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. According to a report by Cleveland Clinic, attachment styles initially develop during the first 18 months of a child's life, based on interactions with their parents or guardians, with the most crucial development occurring between six months and two years old.
As babies, we depend on our primary caregivers—whether it’s our mom, dad, grandparents, or anyone who raised us—to meet our needs. If they are consistently loving and responsive, kids learn that the world is safe, and people can be trusted, forming a secure attachment. This style is considered the healthiest attachment style.
However, if their love is unpredictable, children adapt in different ways. Some kids become anxiously attached, constantly seeking reassurance because love feels uncertain. Others learn to be avoidant, pushing people away because emotional closeness doesn’t feel safe. In more chaotic environments, some develop a disorganized attachment, caught between craving love and fearing it at the same time. This attachment style is considered to be the most complex to cope with.
Because attachment styles form so early in life, they operate on autopilot. We don’t actively decide to be anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—it just feels natural. Our brain has been wired to respond to love and connection in a way that mirrors our earliest experiences. If we grew up fearing abandonment, we might instinctively cling to relationships, even unhealthy ones. We have a tendency to feel like we have to constantly prove our worth in relationships, like love is something to be earned.
Moreover, If we learn to suppress emotions, we might distance ourselves from people before they get too close. We get convinced that needing people makes us weak, and that emotional distance is the only way to be safe. And if our early caregivers were unpredictable, we might develop a self-sabotaging cycle between wanting something, and backing out when it starts to get too real.
Reattaching the Unattached: Can I Fix This?
The way we learn to love as kids doesn’t just disappear once we reach adulthood. If we develop an unhealthy attachment style, those patterns don’t stay in the past—they follow us into every relationship, every friendship, and even the way we see ourselves. When these attachment patterns take hold, they tend to repeat themselves in a cycle, where we find ourselves in a constant struggle.
But it doesn’t stop at romance. Attachment styles impact friendships and family dynamics just as much as romantic relationships. Maybe you find yourself pushing away close friends the moment they get too close, fearing they’ll eventually leave. Or maybe you hold onto toxic friendships because you’d rather endure the pain of mistreatment than risk being alone.
In families, attachment wounds can lead to strained relationships, difficulty expressing emotions, or even a deep-rooted fear of being a burden and never being enough. We might end up feeling unworthy of love, unable to trust others, or always on edge, expecting rejection. It’s a frustrating loop, but understanding these patterns can be the first step to breaking free.
The great news? Yes, these attachment issues can be fixed—just not overnight. Here’s the thing: recognizing these patterns isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about understanding why you react the way you do—why you shut down, why you overthink, why love sometimes feels like a battlefield instead of a safe space. The more you become aware of how your attachment style influences your life, the more power you have to rewrite the script. You don’t have to be stuck in the same cycle forever. You just have to understand where it started.
How Your Attachment Style Shapes Your Relationships
Attachment styles determine more than just how we love; they dictate how we handle conflict, express our needs, and interpret others' actions. If you have ever felt that you are too much in a relationship or, on the other hand, that you don't really need anyone, chances are your attachment style is at play.
People with a secure attachment pattern, who received constant emotional support during their growing years, typically have stable relationships. They talk openly about their needs, are able to handle conflicts without the fear of retaliation, and never question their lover's love. Those with an anxious attachment typically require constant reassurance and will often read far too much into minor changes in their lover's behavior, and fear of abandonment where there is little danger of that.
Then there's avoidant attachment—people who struggle with emotional closeness, finding it easier to detach than to risk vulnerability. They might be the ones who “ghost” or feel suffocated by intimacy. Lastly, disorganized attachment combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, creating an internal tug-of-war: the need for love clashes with an ingrained fear of it.
Recognition of your attachment style is getting a map of your emotional landscape. It won't immediately change how you navigate relationships but will help understand why you react the way you do and why certain relationship dynamics seem like a never-ending cycle.
Breaking the Cycle: Healing and Growing Beyond Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are also very much dependent on early life experiences, though not set in stone. Your patterns can definitely change if leading to frustration, self-sabotage, or heartbreak, and toward a more secure attachment style, all with some conscious effort.
One way to break the cycle is through recognition of the individual self. Begin by noticing automatic reactions in relationships: you panic at a slight withdrawal and shut down at the slightest bit of emotionality. Such reactions often have little to do with what's present but rather with old wounds.
Therapy can be a game-changer in that, specifically attachment-based therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy, one can begin rewriting those patterns. Even outside of therapy, small shifts can make a difference: practicing mindfulness to stay present rather than spiraling into worst-case scenarios; learning to self-soothe instead of relying on external validation; and slowly experimenting with leaning into vulnerability rather than avoiding it.
Most importantly, secure relationships around you, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, can shift your attachment tendency over time. Secure connections model healthy emotional support, teaching your nervous system that love never entails conditions, withdrawal, or chaos.
Healing your attachment style doesn’t mean becoming a perfect partner—it means learning to trust, communicate, and respond to love in a way that isn’t driven by fear. It’s a process, but one that leads to deeper, more fulfilling relationships—not just with others, but with yourself.
It is not about labeling yourself as damaged or difficult; it is about recognizing patterns that no longer serve you. Your past experiences shaped the way you connect with others, but they do not have to define your future relationships.
Healing takes time, but small steps can help; being more conscious of your triggers, challenging the old beliefs created around those triggers, and allowing yourself to experience secure connections. You will not wake up one morning and suddenly find that all of your fears and insecurities have vanished, but you can begin building healthier, more fulfilling relationships through patience and effort.
So, is it you? Yes, in the sense that your experiences have shaped your emotional responses. But also, no—because you have the power to change, grow, and create the kind of love you truly deserve.
Article: Denise Gayeta and Zeny Marie Cerantes
Graphics: Kent Bicol
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